TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from place. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But yes, positive, let us have An additional position where American Males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give All people a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the Trump Tower Damascus proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he really should end working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from House, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after finding the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where friends might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting attention from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will also include:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort wherever my PTSD may have change-down service."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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